Day 270/366

It seems quite pathetic how being employed works. I have fever and I’m still sitting in the freezing office with a throbbing headache without an escape route in hand. To make matters worse, I have to attend a storytelling session for children after two hours, which will not start on time. My mother’s in town just to meet me and I’ll be given assignments everyday while she is here knowing that no one is really interested in reading them. This is probably my headache talking but I want to crib. I’m not allowed to do potty talk anymore because I have been banned from doing so by the person who usually seems to value my opinion. I want to complain to him but I fear he is in deep slumber for the night is when he wakes, the morning, sleeps. Such an owl, I tell you! I don’t think I know too many insomniacs anymore. THAT is another doing of this bloody career that all of us are trying to build without really wanting to. Maybe I do, secretly. Who knows?

Also, I would like to point out to anyone who is still reading that I have been clumsy all day long. Sedate me! I have a whole new set of scratches and bumps in various parts of my body. Oh, and my body aches in ways I never imagined possible. I need a hug. And I don’t want the hugger to let go till I fall asleep and drool on their shoulder or till my nose runs out of mucus to smear on his/her shirt. 

122/366

Claustrophobe

Disappear under the surface till they can no longer feel your presence. It's better off to be alone sometimes. Walk on a street at night knowing that no other could creep up on you and pull you away into some dark alley. Your remains would be thrown back into the society. Give up the need for company. What if there was no one else? You were the first and last born. Explore by yourself. Explore yourself. No one's listening to your thoughts, no one's watching. Run and sweat and live. Do what feels absolutely natural. You won't feel judged because it's what your instinct tells you to do and no one exists to tell you that's wrong. The world is yours to enjoy. There are papers and pens every direction you look in to leave your thoughts on. No one will read your thoughts. No psychic will predict your future. You will determine it. You will leave your mark for no one to look at.

Day 81/366

When a train passes by,

Time stops in my head.

One extra step,

And I'd be dead.

Day 19/366

Guilt is something that never seems to go away, despite many attempts to forget. You killed a street dog on the highway, you were the other woman, you had an abortion, you told a white lie to your parents...the scope of human error is vaster than anyone could even try to imagine. And that is precisely why whoever said to err is human, to forgive divine was one hell of a genius.

If you don't see 'divine' as synonymous to godly but just as making peace with oneself and not judging yourself, that's pretty much the point. We all make mistakes and that's how humans have come to learn right from wrong. You make love, not rape; You don't lie because someone who cares about your life has the right to know when and where you are in case something happens to you. You get where this is going, right?

So, instead of using guilt as a tactic to manipulate or to motivate the basest form of self-pity, get it out of your system. Vent. Talk to someone about it so that it's off your chest and trust me, you will breathe easier. You'll be able to live life with a clearer conscience than you had feeling guilty and this is true no matter how heinous a crime or any wrong doing feels once it's done.