Razbliuto is the sentimental feeling you have about someone you once loved but no longer do. I have a feeling I've experienced that without realizing it. But then again, I can never be sure if it was love.
Is it strange that the sound of loneliness makes me happier than that of companionship? I mean, the idea of comforting yourself and making yourself stronger is better than having to share a weak part of you with someone. And then, there's also the trust factor to be considered and the possibility of judgments passed. If you have an issue, why would you want to drag others into solving it anyway? It seems like a simpler, less convoluted process to get it done away with on your own.
I no longer know what it is that used to make me excited about getting to know someone knew. There used to be that nice kind of awkwardness which I would look forward to experiencing and seeing on the other person's face. Somehow, each interaction with people I've chosen to bring into my life and hold on to makes more sense. Little mental notes made about them in my head are easier to organize that way. Allowing a stranger now makes me nervous. Or someone I thought was too familiar but I feel differently about now. But the latter is even worse because while you're busy beginning to like certain things about them, they're pushing you further into the friend zone.
I used to like knowing that one person's flaws and pet peeves. It was nice feeling that he wanted to know mine. It was nicer to understand that it was not because he wanted those things to be changed about me but because he wanted to know everything about me. After he left, I let my world close in on me. I couldn't try to be someone else's idea of perfect.
Is it strange that the sound of loneliness makes me happier than that of companionship? I mean, the idea of comforting yourself and making yourself stronger is better than having to share a weak part of you with someone. And then, there's also the trust factor to be considered and the possibility of judgments passed. If you have an issue, why would you want to drag others into solving it anyway? It seems like a simpler, less convoluted process to get it done away with on your own.
I no longer know what it is that used to make me excited about getting to know someone knew. There used to be that nice kind of awkwardness which I would look forward to experiencing and seeing on the other person's face. Somehow, each interaction with people I've chosen to bring into my life and hold on to makes more sense. Little mental notes made about them in my head are easier to organize that way. Allowing a stranger now makes me nervous. Or someone I thought was too familiar but I feel differently about now. But the latter is even worse because while you're busy beginning to like certain things about them, they're pushing you further into the friend zone.
I used to like knowing that one person's flaws and pet peeves. It was nice feeling that he wanted to know mine. It was nicer to understand that it was not because he wanted those things to be changed about me but because he wanted to know everything about me. After he left, I let my world close in on me. I couldn't try to be someone else's idea of perfect.
"I couldn't try to be someone else's idea of perfect". That's the most perfect line I have read in ages. Beautiful, this piece.
ReplyDeleteI like the fact that though it is about something that is deeply personal to you, it is also very open and the reader can relate to it. I did.
Love and independence are mutually exclusive. What most of us live on is a middle ground, where we have neither of it. Sad, but I think that's how it is.