Day 341/366

Megha Bisaria and I are getting married. Some day. But she's said Yes via a BB status. So that's that. Modern generation fuckups, I tell you.

So. That freakshow was my roomie for the last 2 years. And after a teary ending, we decided we had to go our ways. But the love remained, of course. It never goes once it's created, isn't it? I know how that girl lives, I know what she looks like early in the morning when she's hungover, I know what alcohol to bring her on a bad day. If you make an effort to deal with someone on an everyday basis for 2 years, it means enough to want to know these things. And I pride myself over the fact that I do.

Since we both think guys are assholes and since we are so awesome together, it just made sense to get married. And we are, eventually. It's a BYOB party and everyone's invited! There will be no first night sex, if you're curious. We're both straight. But that girl's hugs are just the best. Trust me. I love you, future hubby. 

Day 330/366

It's nice to know that love can happen in so many different ways. And it's really amazing to watch two people at the starting line of falling in love, eager to begin their journey together. The thing is, that I've always been slightly or honestly, very skeptical about arranged marriages. Today it struck me that actually, all marriages are arranged, all love is matched. It's only a matter of when, where and how the two of you meet.

Day 324/366

It's one of the most emotional moments of my life. And I'm stuck in the moment, and I can't get out of it. You deserve every kind of happiness the world has to offer, Didi. This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life, one I hope you write down in words or thoughts. One day, you can tell the story without an ending. I'm going to be the annoying, nagging younger sister, who butts into each story, of course. That's my job. I am so happy right now and the tears just won't stop flowing. While I grew up, I dreamt of this day coming for you. The news would be told to me over a phone call was not how I saw it happening. I'd have probably suffocate you with my hug in person, which someone would have to pull me out of. So in a way, it's okay. I can't stop smiling for you. I've never been this happy for another human being in my life. And I'm so happy this feeling was saved up for you. Because it's so overwhelming and perfect and I just want to say that I love you. I won't stop saying it. And soon, a certain Big Bang Theory character ;) will do the same. You guys are going to be perfect together. I just know it.

I'm going to start practicing my rendition of 'Phoolon ka taaro ka' rendition from this moment. I've waited 21 years to know that I'm going to get to sing it for you. I can't wait. God bless you, Didi. There was a reason I messaged you what I did today. Instinct is real. You just proved it to me. Be happy, love. I'll see you soon!

Day 286/366

He knew I hated rum. Still, he’d conveniently forget to buy the whiskey I wanted before he came home every Friday. Inevitably, almost as per a well executed plan, I would end up getting drunk on the khamba of Old Monk with him. Initially, I’d hold my nose and gulp it down to guilt him into it. Eventually, I fell in love with his taste. Erm, I mean, that of the rum and coke. “DSP Black is NOT whiskey,” he’d shout. Having finished college and gotten a job that allows me to afford better, I can’t help but agree.

Day 283/366

All this while in life, I've believed I need to be with a guy I pick. My aunt recently told me this bullshit line about how I'm actually like a pearl waiting to be found in the deep sea. What if my guy is supposed to find me and I always reject the ways that come my way but not quite. You know what I mean? It's a confusing thought. But it's too much to think of right now. Happy drinking!

Day 277/366

From one side, he yanked at her heart

Simultaneously, the other man ripped her mind

A little cloud of lustful thoughts

A love castle of of childlike trust.

Share with me your story someday?

After the storm, how we had no time

A match made in heaven, like you say.

Tell me now, I'll hear it all.

I can't remember your voice today,

Was there kindness in your tone?

Did you look me in the eye when we did speak?

Won't you walk in the rain tonight?

I'm scared of what's behind, what's before?

Sing me to sleep, my chosen one,

If we should chance upon a kiss,

Would you lean in?

Would we pretend?

Day 275/366

She could not understand why or how this happening and more so, why now. She had known him for such a long time that the hugs could just be demanded at will and nothing seemed restricted. But she was not attracted to him. Or so she always liked to believe. She had never really given him a chance to be seen as that. But that was fine with both. He'd always ask her why they weren't together. She'd always blush but shrug the question away. He just got used to that.

The two were potheads, though he would initially dislike her affinity to the joy giving substance. And yet, they had never done it together, just the two of them. Each knew what the other was like on the 'drug', in tune with how the other speaks when the lightness of the mind took over. They were best friends, who shared many a loves like that. The two loved writing, music, photography, even the occasional senseless lust.

She always feared she would realise too late that they were probably good together. One fine day, when she saw him smiling at the altar with the other woman, her worst dream did come true.

In retrospect, she though, a little peck could have done no harm.

Day 269/366

The joy of reuniting-
With an old friend, a lover, a mother.
The incredible mix of emotions
The subsided anger
The end of patience
The rush of love
The enigma.

You made me wait too long, love.
Yet today I will not complain
For too long have I anticipated now
And craved your sweet embrace.

The parting must one day return
Until then, let us drink to our fate
I have been blessed again with your delightful company.
I hope you have the heart to stay.

Day 263/366

I still miss you sometimes. It's not an active yearning or anything, luckily. But I wonder what I would have been like had we made it this far. Together. Don't get me wrong though. I'm much happier now. There's no commitment issues, there's no need to text or call someone every few hours to ask when we can talk at length and discuss what we did all day and ate for our meals. How did we convince ourselves if only for that moment that was 'it', that I was 'the one' for you? How old are you and I? 21? How much do we know about tomorrow? Sure, there's the whole option of taking the plunge and letting fate decide. But don't people also say, prevention is better than cure? What happens if I fall in love with you and you die before I do, which may be the case. What if one of us falls out of love but just out of obligation, we stick around but grow sick of each other's company? If we end up getting married, what if we have kids and eventually, decide to get a divorce? There are too many questions that could have been asked or had to be answered without being asked. I'm so glad it's over and that they will remain just that - questions left unanswered.

Day 232/366

Razbliuto is the sentimental feeling you have about someone you once loved but no longer do. I have a feeling I've experienced that without realizing it. But then again, I can never be sure if it was love.

Is it strange that the sound of loneliness makes me happier than that of companionship? I mean, the idea of comforting yourself and making yourself stronger is better than having to share a weak part of you with someone. And then, there's also the trust factor to be considered and the possibility of judgments passed. If you have an issue, why would you want to drag others into solving it anyway? It seems like a simpler, less convoluted process to get it done away with on your own.

I no longer know what it is that used to make me excited about getting to know someone knew. There used to be that nice kind of awkwardness which I would look forward to experiencing and seeing on the other person's face. Somehow, each interaction with people I've chosen to bring into my life and hold on to makes more sense. Little mental notes made about them in my head are easier to organize that way. Allowing a stranger now makes me nervous. Or someone I thought was too familiar but I feel differently about now. But the latter is even worse because while you're busy beginning to like certain things about them, they're pushing you further into the friend zone.

I used to like knowing that one person's flaws and pet peeves. It was nice feeling that he wanted to know mine. It was nicer to understand that it was not because he wanted those things to be changed about me but because he wanted to know everything about me. After he left, I let my world close in on me. I couldn't try to be someone else's idea of perfect.

Day 224/366

The written word would thrill her still

But the lust for it had gone

To read a novel or book of poetry-

Become too tedious a task.

In her twisted little head,

Was no dearth of fairy tales

But the grown up in her said “No”

Am I literature-dead?

She would ask herself

Without getting a satisfactory reply.

She would dream of new places constantly-

Of travelogues and stranger’s tales,

Of Neruda’s love and postmen,

Of palaces and queens.

When reality would took its ugly form,

And no time was there to read.

She killed herself by letting go

Until she was brain-dead.

Day 217/366

She didn't speak his language. He played from his soul. The music spoke to them.

The chords he played seemed to tell a wordless story. It intrigued her to watch how deep set in his mind the music is. It was almost as if he could hear the music before his fingers played it.

She experience sheer joy in sitting and listening to his music. There was no need for words because the instrument spoke too clear and familiar a language.

Day 208/366

There was no sense to our having met. But then again, it was the same thing said when we had met for the first time years ago. The only difference was that this time, sparks of indifference went flying across the tables instead of nicer sparks of love to warm up to.

I lied to him and told him that this was just a social experiment. Perhaps, it was never intended to be a lie but sheer honestly that came out too brutal for him to hear. I'll always remember how his smile turned upside down and how good that made me feel. At least that's what I convinced myself to believe.

The alcohol did not seem to be running its usual course. As I downed one mug of beer after another, the vision did not blur as I had hoped for it to. The sense of comfort and familiarity felt ridiculous. I wanted to make myself feel contradictory feelings but nothing was going as I had planned. To be honest, nothing had been planned in the first place.

I wasn't sure what to expect from our little interaction. From the way my brain seems to have forgotten (purposely?) to make it's usual mental notes, perhaps the conversation went just how it was supposed to - covered by layers of indifference not waiting to be discovered. And for my own sake, I shall leave it uncovered. 

Day 204/366

"We walked down the lane in the storm. Stormtroopers of our own right. Occasionally, a tree or a street dog would have to be dodged. But it was the kind of fun I'd been missing in life.

She paused on our way out of the house and looked back for a moment. Somewhere, we knew the journey ahead would be too long to make it back home. But another home would be found one day. A cave, a garden, a lost valley in the mountains. We knew we were meant to be vagabonds since the second our eyes met. I miss that free spirited lover of mine."

Grandfather stopped writing today. He left me his diary with hundreds of yellows pages of adventure and love and the life he led or would have liked to lead.

I'll always wonder if there was more to tell - stories 'not worth writing down' according to him; words I would have cherished more than he could imagine. It's hard to accept that he's lost his mind.

What a delicate thing the body is! One day you're the holder of knowledge, speak unspoken languages and find poetry in everything. The next, you're as good as dead to the world.

Day 198/366

I love you, Music. 

I can't promise anyone anything in this world but I can assure you that I'm never going to let you go. It's too painful to imagine; incomprehensible actually. There is no particular image coming to my head when I try to think of you being dead. You are immortal. So is poetry. But then again, you two are probably just siblings who have an unspoken, unsung rivalry, which is quite natural.

I've had you too deep in me to ever forget the sounds and the feelings attached to us. You have been there at the back of my head every f***ing day since I met you in some form or the other, even if someone lowered your volume on a few days here and there. 

I am taken by your simplicity and complexity. You make me feel so much. You make me feel so little. There is nothing constant about our relationship. There are words spoken and unspoken. You have become a world within me and seen me grow up. More often than not, you're the only thing that makes sense. 

As The Doors once said, Hello, I love you. Well, I'd say it to you too with exactly the same emotions. I feel quite content writing this little love letter. I feel slightly foolish, of course. But there's a loss of shame or pride or arrogance when it comes to you. You certainly do bring out the best in me. 

The song playing in my head at the moment is CCR's Have you ever seen the rain? I know you and I have had many a wonderful times together as the storms made the trees fall or as the downpours trickled down to a mere drizzle. I know you have been enjoyed by others too. But I am not jealous. You are someone I appreciate so much that I genuinely don't mind sharing you with others whom I know will give you the kind of loving you deserve. You are mine more than you know it. I will take certain memories of ours as secrets to my grave. And I shall always pity the world that never got to experience those.

What I'm basically trying to say is that I'm glad I have you in my life. I've never bothered to take out time to actually tell you that. So I'm just letting you know.  

Day 197/366

What do you inspire in me? Black and white senseless thoughts in a dull, colorful world.
What makes me like you? Sheer honesty that can be so brutal that it hurts physically.
What draws me to you? The person I can be when I'm with you.

You took me home that night. Too dark for me to want the light. Each of the senses were fulfilled with the most delicate experiences. There was a genuine smile I remember feeling on my lips. I tried so hard not to spin in my head, not to twirl myself. But I was not in control of myself. It was numbing but real. Tangible, too. I didn't have to ask to be saved. You were so perceptive back then. I remember it all so clearly.

Remember how I purposely wore the same perfume every time I'd meet you after that? I'd watch you react to it in that same way and it would always give me the shivers. Yes, you made me weird like that. But that's the girl I miss being able to be. The smell of your cigarette mixed with my perfume's filled up the room with familiarity.

I wish I could forget it. 

Day 190/366

Out of nowhere, she asked me what place I liked best. Without really thinking of a specific city I've visited or the predictable answer like the mountains or the beach, I replied "Terraces".

There was no rationale to this answer. But it was an honest revelation of the kind of person I am. For that matter, I like balconies too. But I suppose I'm just more of a terrace person.

Was it memories created on terraces in the past? Perhaps. But more than that, it's just the kind of thoughts that the open space and wind and high inducing substances and lack of walls produces.

I like feeling the rush of being at the edge and fearing the possibility of falling off to a quick, painless death. I enjoy the image of two friends or lovers conversing over that occasional glass of whiskey on the terrace. I love wearing headphones and listening to whatever music fits my mood at that moment. Also, the idea of lying down and looking up at starry or cloudy skies appeals greatly to me.

But more than anything, it's just that I like how it's as close to nature and oneself as one can get living in a city. Living in a city can get pretty crazy sometimes. It helps to just let go of that for even the shortest time and just be.

Day 184/366

"You were genuinely happy when I first met you. After that, it just seemed like you were showing the world that you were," he had said the night he left. The words struck her deeper than she thought possible. Perhaps, there was some truth in what he had said that she did not want to accept. She tried to think of something else.

Earlier that day, she had read a very well written article on relationships & change. It had said something on the lines of this:
There was a couple who fell in love with each other at first sight/conversation. They were extremely different people and they wanted to be with each other despite that. Each started to make changes in himself/herself to try and meet the other halfway. The plan had seemed fool-proof back then and neither found it too hard to let go of certain things about themselves that they knew didn't work for the other. Suddenly, without seeing it coming, they fell out of love as easily as they had fallen into it because of those changes. She wasn't the girl he had fallen in love with; he was no longer the man she had wanted to be with when he had kissed her for the first time.

She used to love reading about love though her world now revolved around a thirst for lust. This little paradox that she was living out amused her. She smirked. He never did try to understand me as a person, she thought to herself. Satisfied with that conclusion in her head, she slid out of the stranger's bed, put on her dress, picked up her heels and walked out of his life. 

Day 175/366

My protector isn't the conventional god
At least I knew him by the face
There is nothing like idol worship here
My religion lets me have my space.

No qualms I feel if I don't remember him
On a given day of the week.
For no expectations does my god keep
He lets me love him how I feel.

My respect he earned,
Not forcefully imposed
As a passed down family trait.
My dear god,
I do believe in you
Please keep my family safe.

(This one's for all the non-believers. Find your own faith if you want but don't lose faith altogether. It's not worth the loss in the long run)

Day 168/366

Had you been around today,

I'd have baked a sugarless cake.

I'd have sprinkled it with all my love

You'd have as much as your heart could take.

Of the commercialization of this day

A long discussion would brew.

Over tea or some hot coffee

Or perhaps some orange juice.

I would read out Hindi headlines

On the tea industry.

You would tell me about Pranab Da

And tales of presidency. 

And before you fell asleep tonight,

A surprise hug I would give.

The fact that you're no longer here -

I still don't want to believe.

I'll always be your little girl,

I was a child when you last saw.

I'll always remember your face that day

When you left without a word.

Happy Father's Day, Papa. As far as your daughters are concerned, every day of our life is dedicated to you.