Day 334/366

I'll call this one 'Frozen Memories', simply because my hands are numb with the cold to type out these pangs of nostalgia that I'm feeling right now.

There are some people who are really easy to have in your life. But it's those few that you know are really hard to hold on to but worth every moment of that journey, that make working on relationships more fulfilling. 

With a particular gentleman that I keep in mind, I was too shy initially. I wanted to talk, and sometimes, I did. But there were other interesting facets of growing up that caught my fancy at the time, making us drift away; slowly at first; then quite steadily, much to my dislike. 

But he was always around, making it hard to omit his existence. And I didn't want to either, considering he had this cute little smile he'd wear on his face, making it hard to overlook or ignore him in the same room. Our eyes would meet often, and unspoken words were spoken. Time passed and we changed and grew up and started defining our likes and dislikes and one fine day, we were at a point where we thought we knew what we wanted in life. (Of course, the fact that we're 21/22 does not factor into this post).

As I said in the beginning, there are some people you keep in your life who are a real pain in the ass to keep in touch with. But this particular idiot was like my magnet. I would probably do anything to spend an hour with him, or perhaps, just a quick hug. He's a lucky guy, even without knowing it. It's a strange kind of honesty that he brings out in me. I dress up and feel like a girl without consciously trying; I become a good listener and am genuinely interesting in the stories he has to share; heck, I can't even stop smiling after I meet him, even if it's just for a fight. 

And it sucks to know that someone has that kind of power over you. After all, it's kind of like flattery for them that you wish were false. But despite the good/bad qualities he possesses, he can make you happy in a way that no one else can. And for that, I'd never let him go. Yes, there's a song dedication et all. I can't help it. You had me hugging it the whole way back home. : )

Day 275/366

She could not understand why or how this happening and more so, why now. She had known him for such a long time that the hugs could just be demanded at will and nothing seemed restricted. But she was not attracted to him. Or so she always liked to believe. She had never really given him a chance to be seen as that. But that was fine with both. He'd always ask her why they weren't together. She'd always blush but shrug the question away. He just got used to that.

The two were potheads, though he would initially dislike her affinity to the joy giving substance. And yet, they had never done it together, just the two of them. Each knew what the other was like on the 'drug', in tune with how the other speaks when the lightness of the mind took over. They were best friends, who shared many a loves like that. The two loved writing, music, photography, even the occasional senseless lust.

She always feared she would realise too late that they were probably good together. One fine day, when she saw him smiling at the altar with the other woman, her worst dream did come true.

In retrospect, she though, a little peck could have done no harm.

Day 240/366

The little girl looked up to the musician. He was loud, funny and happy. Well, at least he seemed it. She had never imagined herself talking to him about the autobiography of a banana or weighing out the potential argument of diamond versus carbon. Every time the two would meet, there would be hugs, name calling and absurdity that noone else would understand. She had started to even make notes about the person through each interaction, be it in person or texts. The latter was the preferred means of communication because of the distance. There was no idol worship. He was just like any other person. Except for the fact that he made music to earn his living. He sometimes thought he was bad at it. She took on the responsibility to remind him what he had accomplished. The two shared another experience of different magnitudes-loss. He had been older than she had been when it had happened. But she knew she could trust him. There was no particular reason why. They met and talked and laughed and lived. When he went on to the other realm, she would ensure that his life's works were preserved. She would sort out the collection gathered over the many years of his being alive, often wishing he weren't. Like the pharaohs buried their loved ones with possessions to carry onto the next life, she would make the germination of another musical seed possible. Their friendship could never end.

Day 209/366

It was the same kind of jokes being cracked, the same style of clothing, the same topics being discussed. But I was not one with them anymore. From being the biggest f-up in our group, I had become the responsible, committed one who had her own press card. It was really strange knowing that two months ago, I had been her, the girl sitting opposite me- carefree, indifferent to judgment, not worried about what my next step on life was. I should probably feel good knowing what I'm achieving. But it's just not the same kind of fun that I was so used to. Everybody told me that meeting your friends outside college once you're done with it goes back to feeling the same. Why doesn't it then?

Day 154/366

Even though she knew he meant trouble, she did not avoid the scourge of love he was bound to cause. Somewhere, I knew she always wanted to be with him. All of us could tell from the way she reacted to his texts and had seen how she smiled when he called. Even a blind man could have felt the tension in the room between those two whenever he would drop by to her city just to have a conversation with her in person. To an outsider, their relationship was enviable. And yet, she was not happy with whatever it was that they had. 


Both the idiots were too afraid to let go of their emotional baggage and move on. Both had too many other options that they weren't ready to completely block out just yet. Whether it was an attachment or something stronger, we could not be sure of. There was no fighting in the time that I knew them to be together though they refused to officially call themselves a 'couple'. "It becomes a show then," they'd say. They were both adventurous spirits who could not be held down and were always exploring. Of course, this applied to whom they took to their bedrooms as well. But at the end, it was always back to the two of them again.

Human nature's quite a funny thing, isn't it? Two peas in a pod don't work out. Neither does the principle of opposites attract. And yet, when someone actually finds someone who is different enough but similar in ways that you have been looking for in a partner, you choose to ignore the person right in front of you. I hope one of them crazy kids realizes what they're missing out on & just does the right thing. Whatever the right thing may be...

Day 152/366

Life is such a funny little thing. It makes you feel such extremes of emotions when you least expect it. One day, I was walking into my house feeling unwanted. The next day, I had moved out of it and I saw my family members cry at the sight of me leaving. I could see them stuck to the airport windows trying to catch their last few glimpses of me. The uncertainty of when/if we will meet again was too strong to do anything but that. And yet, I have been displaced only to find a home again. A home in a different city where I live with family members of blood relation. There is a different force at play now and it is familiar and unfamiliar. Even Rishi Valley and the many hostels I stayed in were homes in themselves; ecosystems within a larger whole.

I wish there was a middle ground of some sort where I could have every temporary home and all the house dwellers together. But that is an interesting concept - a piece of fiction that can only inspire me to write it down knowing that it will never become a concrete reality. Perhaps the only time that the reality could come true is when I'm on my death bed and all the people I want to be around me will actually be near me till my last breath.  Being the well managed person that I am known to be, I'll be expected to have arranged for my own funeral before I die. I should go start working on that now. *tho tho* (Mallu for 'Let's hope that's not the case')

Day 149/366

Your silence makes me twitch and turn,
Your mocking smile too coy for me,
One tight slap and you'll be set straight
That, my friend, is my guarantee.

Go sleep more when there's work to be done,
Go screw up your priorities all the time.
I think I'm finally done with all this shit,
Don't send me for me when you're low on joy.

I've been a good friend,
I've dealt with your crap,
Yet you sit and judge
And talk at your rudest.
I'm good with that, actually
For this is over.
So Goodbye.

Day 117/366

There used to be a day when I really wanted you around. And then one fine day, that changed. I don't know if I suddenly discovered my inner passion towards making my career or if it was that petty fight we had or if it was the fact that you chose him over our friendship. But it ended. The funny part is that I expected it to hurt. But it didn't. It felt good, on the contrary.

Well, the truth is that somewhere along the way, I stopped expecting to be cared for. If you showed any sort of affection, it only came across to me as a superficial attempt at replacing a void. But I got to hand it to you, I have never felt stronger being alone this way. I can finally feel what you used to feel. Only now, the tables have turned.

Day 115/366

If you have a headache,
I'll kick you in the shin,
The pain will be diverted,
A true friend I would've been.

If you ever look bored,
Prepare to be mutilated.
In my company, dear Hoblesh,
There is no time to be wasted.

Unless we get wasted,
In a way we both think right
You know what I'm talking about
Bring on the booze and light!

Day 96/366

I always thought that college would be this beautiful, brilliant rush; like a roller coaster ride where you get off feeling dizzy but you know you had a good time. And it pretty much was that for most of it despite the frequent assignments dumped on us. There was a lot of pressure within the walls of the college but once you stepped out, there was a dozen things that could make you feel liberated: be it the alcohol you were made to chug just because your friend was bored and wished to be entertained or the first of other things that one cannot and should not write about on a public blog. I am quite sure that everyone knows what I'm talking about here.

But somehow, towards the end of it, it's not feeling like such a happy journey anymore. Do you know how it feels to be so close to someone that you can't even comprehend a life without them and when you are forced to imagine that day, you run away from the reality? That's kind of what I'm feeling right now. Boarding school was one of the best experiences of my life and I know I made four years of memories there that I will always carry with me through life. College, somehow, has been more special than that. The friends that have helped me sail through these last 3 years were found on the first night at the hostel itself. And we've stuck together. It's a little hard to believe that within a month, it's not going to be the way it has been so far. I just hope I'm ready for the change when it hits me.

Day 38/366

There can only be that one person-

You take on as your living project.

The one you live to live for,

Somehow the one whom your mind selects.

You make him or her taste their first drink,

A liking for beer you cultivate,

It could be a friend or lover,

Or perhaps what they call a soulmate.

You feel the need to bring out their best,

You take pride in the things they do,

If achievement yields from all your tries,

They'll know that it's thanks to you.

He was my incomplete masterpiece,

The artist's lair in one's dreams,

But my love, I gave you up,

For things much simpler than they seem.

Day 35/366

Hoblesh
The girl with beautiful eyes,

As a stranger did once tell.

The escapist in the land of words,

Put under the mystic's spell.

The characters were alive for her,

A fairy tale she could lead,

She could be Jack with the beanstalk,

Planting the tiny bean seed.

She was never much of an extrovert,

Though to few she said a lot,

Complying with her notions of good and bad,

But independent in thoughts.

Squinting as her drunk head swirled,

She'd recall some funny memory,

And trip on it till realization dawned

That she was the only one laughing.

A precious few may find one like you,

I am lucky to be one of them.

If we were to ever lose touch or die,

Wouldn't it just be such a shame?

Day 32/366

For February, I'm planning on doing character sketches of people in my life as the posts.
I start with a poem for my roommate/sports star celebrity friend, Megha:

The curls in her hair stood out,
It made me want to know
Her tangled up folk lore,
Of days past as she grew old.

The antics and funny expressions,
Could only belong to her
That contagious smile of hers,
It could make the whole world glow.

Her passion for reading poetry,
Her shorts and basketball,
They all make her who she is:
The funny and tall drunkard.