Day 334/366

I'll call this one 'Frozen Memories', simply because my hands are numb with the cold to type out these pangs of nostalgia that I'm feeling right now.

There are some people who are really easy to have in your life. But it's those few that you know are really hard to hold on to but worth every moment of that journey, that make working on relationships more fulfilling. 

With a particular gentleman that I keep in mind, I was too shy initially. I wanted to talk, and sometimes, I did. But there were other interesting facets of growing up that caught my fancy at the time, making us drift away; slowly at first; then quite steadily, much to my dislike. 

But he was always around, making it hard to omit his existence. And I didn't want to either, considering he had this cute little smile he'd wear on his face, making it hard to overlook or ignore him in the same room. Our eyes would meet often, and unspoken words were spoken. Time passed and we changed and grew up and started defining our likes and dislikes and one fine day, we were at a point where we thought we knew what we wanted in life. (Of course, the fact that we're 21/22 does not factor into this post).

As I said in the beginning, there are some people you keep in your life who are a real pain in the ass to keep in touch with. But this particular idiot was like my magnet. I would probably do anything to spend an hour with him, or perhaps, just a quick hug. He's a lucky guy, even without knowing it. It's a strange kind of honesty that he brings out in me. I dress up and feel like a girl without consciously trying; I become a good listener and am genuinely interesting in the stories he has to share; heck, I can't even stop smiling after I meet him, even if it's just for a fight. 

And it sucks to know that someone has that kind of power over you. After all, it's kind of like flattery for them that you wish were false. But despite the good/bad qualities he possesses, he can make you happy in a way that no one else can. And for that, I'd never let him go. Yes, there's a song dedication et all. I can't help it. You had me hugging it the whole way back home. : )

Day 329/366

It's sometimes scary to revisit your own past. There's a little too many things pulling you into a reverie, too many pushing you out of the present reality. It's disheartening, at times, to know that you aren't what you could have been, what you safely assumed was who you wanted to be. It pinches, seeing the chits written by lovers who you spurned away till it hurt, knowing there was more than what you believed it to be. It's a rush of emotions, a path you don't necessarily want to talk down upon.

But then again, there are the smiles at lost memories, finding that CD of the band you used to hear on loop, or simply a sensuous cologne you had hidden in the depths of your cupboard.

It's quite strange being back in Calcutta for the first time since I've been employed. It's like coming back to home, both attached and detached. It's an interesting experience, worthy of writing a story about. But it's a little too overwhelming to deal with at one go. *sigh*

Day 298/366

It feels like so long ago. College. It turns out, it actually was the best days of my life. I'm trying to go back to school days and it doesn't seem too clear a memory. But the last three years, whatever I can remember of it, were insane. I think I found myself, lost track of who she was and then somewhere, found her on and off again and again. People changed, I changed, relationships changed. But the work load stayed constant. And like an ass, I joined possibly one of my best mistakes of college life, The Tossed Salad, which made me work extra hard and not enjoy to the fullest. But, it helped me discover the music scene as I know it today. Fuck! I can't start to think of Pune without getting stopped at the long list of memories and incidents shared with each and every one of them. It didn't hit me until just now that I'm going back there in ten days. It feels very weird and I want to throw up at the idea of passing by those familiar haunts and not knowing a single person there. Worse, I'll pass my house and know that some other family is paying rent and staying there. Worse, the neighbours will now have no one to complain about. I pity them. It was quite a lot of fun pissing them off.

I miss the home delivered pizzas with cheese oozing out, the walks to my puchka and bhel guy down the road, all the houses I would frequently visit for high/sober reasons, the visitors at our place, the piles of clothes (clean, apparently) which would be used to jump on, the mouse in the bucket that almost killed itself by drowning, the irritating bai, Chibos, the tapri and Mausi's chai and vada pav, High Spirits, Khodu calling me Kejri-balls, the Dadar boys coming to town, cupcakes, Dario's when you felt rich, stealing free wifi connections...I miss it all. I want it all back.

Day 279/366

Nothing beats getting that beautiful high with college friends. Regardless of whose around, you just feel like your most normal self and there are only happy thoughts in your head. You are back to waiting for the sound of the pizza delivery guy's bike. That beautiful purr that told you that an edible form of joy has arrived. There is music playing as you wait. It's all so simple and yet, we can't make it happen often enough. But there will be more tonights, beautiful memories or blurs that feel like the past, like the beginning, like the best days of your life.

Day 168/366

Had you been around today,

I'd have baked a sugarless cake.

I'd have sprinkled it with all my love

You'd have as much as your heart could take.

Of the commercialization of this day

A long discussion would brew.

Over tea or some hot coffee

Or perhaps some orange juice.

I would read out Hindi headlines

On the tea industry.

You would tell me about Pranab Da

And tales of presidency. 

And before you fell asleep tonight,

A surprise hug I would give.

The fact that you're no longer here -

I still don't want to believe.

I'll always be your little girl,

I was a child when you last saw.

I'll always remember your face that day

When you left without a word.

Happy Father's Day, Papa. As far as your daughters are concerned, every day of our life is dedicated to you.

112/366

I hate that I like you,
I hate that you know
I know we didn't work out
But it's hard to let go.

A silly little poem,
With a dull rhyming scheme
Will never speak volumes
Of how I really feel.

I write to gain closure,
I want this shit to end.
You've made it easier for me
By not being there as a friend.

I thank you for the memories,
Though most of them weren't so great,
Please don't keep in touch with me,
I'm learning to love, not hate.

Day 91/366

It feels weird to say goodbye to being 20. I've loved the last 12 months: there has been an increased, fantastic sense of freedom and responsibility, I've had very interesting interactions with certain people, and NH7 Weekender happened to me. Plus, I interned with Deccan Herald where I got 49 articles published in a span of 6 weeks. Also, I got featured in New Indian Express' special education supplement for being an 'author and editor at 20.' It felt bloody good, to be honest. It's been a year of exploring myself and figuring out things in life. And the one constant thing throughout it was the fact that there were words everywhere. My passion for music and more specifically, the growing live music scene in India got an impetus because I started actively writing about it; Grey Oak Publishers' Urban Shots let me write a story each in 2 more books as well as a foreword; I worked hard in 2 internships with renowned English dailies in the country; last but not the least, I started this blog and I am just so delighted that I have not defaulted (yet...) I turn 21 tomorrow and I've no clue what the world has in store for me. But as of now, I can't wait to find out. 

Day 75/366

Swings. They have always been one of my happiest memories of growing up. And the special thing about them is that knowing that they still exist keeps me rooted to my childhood that I still can't let go of it. Nor do I want to, to be honest. I'm turning 21 in 2 weeks. I think I'm ready to start making a career for myself and I will be mature and professional when the need arises. But that kid in me will still always grin from ear to ear when I see a swing. 

It's as close as you could get to flying after you're sensible enough to look up at the sky, see birds flying around and knowing that you were not granted with the power of flight for some odd reason. The Creator works in such mysterious ways, I tell you! That fascination is given a life to while swinging. I normally sing to myself when I'm on a swing and in my head, I'm the best singer there is around. I'm smiling even as I write this post because even if my huge ass didn't fit on a swing, I'll still have the time of my life on those tiny swings that is not meant for kids/people my age. 

I feel like giving advice to whoever has made it till the end of the post. Go find a swing nearby. Feel the motion and the rush and the air in your face. Everything will just seem all right.

Day 71/366

At Home in the Hills

The beauty of the hills, 

The shyness of the stars,

The fading glow of sunset,

The music of the night.

Taking a nap in the sun,

Or on a damp rock after the rain,

Memories made in boarding school,

Too beautiful to explain.

Day 68/366

Today is apparently International Women's Day, which means free movies for me. But more importantly, it's Holi, the festival of colors! It's been my favorite festival growing up and even today, I made sure I look like this. The girls hostel basement was converted into this brilliant rain dance area, everyone was happily painting each others' faces with a myriad of colors and free chips, pakodas and thandai (not spiked, sadly) were being   served. Words can't justify that kind of fun.

As a kid, I remember a few Holis distinctly. One was at my friend, Urvika's garden. The minute I entered, Ishaan (a family friend who I'm apparently supposed to get married to) lifted me up and carried me to this inflatable pool full of purple water. SPLASH! Oh, I also remember wearing a black Backstreet Boys t-shirt that I'd won on conteststowin.com that day. Random memories. But that's all I remember. Another Holi I went mad in was at my cousin's place. We stepped out onto the streets with buckets full of water balloons and started a war with some kids throwing them at us from their terrace. Such an awesome kick it would give when it hit the target. 

Anyway, I'm going back to give my roommate a hair streak with gulal. Get off your laptops today. Step onto the roads and feel the vibe of this amazingly happy festival. Or just make some calls and find out which of your friends are having bhaang and head there with a crate of beer. Go spread the happiness. Happy Holi!

Day 62/366

Memories. They can feel good to remember or hurt when you realize what you had to go through for it to have become one. But they are just such an important part of each one of us. Different memories that our brain trains itself to remember make us who we are. They're neatly kept away in a pocket of our brain, all neatly compartmentalized (at least that's how I always visualized it to look).

The funny part is that at some point or the other, each of us tries to erase these little figments that something inside decided to hold onto. Even as I write down this, I know I've done it too (consciously and/or subconsciously) and can grasp how much I lost out on when I succeeded. To be honest, I was never probably never truly successful in forgetting. But I did move on.

And then there's another facet to memories and their creation that fascinates me. (It annoys me too at times when it's in my face and being overused). In today's world, somebody or the other around you always has a camera with them. Inevitably, moments are captured as photographs and there is a physical reinforcement of the memory made in that moment. And it gets even more memorable when there's a date and time on the bottom-right corner of that photograph.

It doesn't matter who the people in this photograph are. It doesn't matter if they were talking when this was clicked or not. But when you look at it, you just know that a memory's been made in that split second of time when someone somewhere decided to press the button on his/her camera.

Day 9/366

To New Beginnings

To raise a toast

To new beginnings

Must be a daunting task.

To smile and just walk away,

To put it in the past.

If you can embrace that unseen morrow

As I have seen you do before,

You know you will be better off,

Just smile and put the lock.

Go on and take one step away,

Stand and admire from afar,

Don't go too close, 

The memories burn,

I know-

I've been down that path.

The nostalgia fades,

The distance seem less,

On new journeys you embark-

And only stop to rest.