Day 268/366

Do people or animals know that they are going to do? If someone is healthy or has an accident one fine day, do they have any clue? Do people who have fallen ill or with a critical condition get signs beforehand? If yes, why don't they bother saying goodbye to their loved ones? Why don't they share what they are going through and let you be a part of it, to help you be strong after they go? Is it a selfish act on their part or on God's? Who the hell gave some guy in the sky the right to take people away before their relationships were put to a close? Why was the widower greeted by her husband's dead body that was deformed at war? How come some of us/them got lucky enough to have medicines and treatments to survive while others didn't? If you put your pet to sleep, how do you live guilt-free? Who gave you the right to end its suffering without consent of the one whose life it was being led? Why aren't give pets given a chance to kill themselves if they want? Why such differentiation when being alive means the same thing essentially? Why wasn't I told that you would go and never come back? Why?

Day 263/366

I still miss you sometimes. It's not an active yearning or anything, luckily. But I wonder what I would have been like had we made it this far. Together. Don't get me wrong though. I'm much happier now. There's no commitment issues, there's no need to text or call someone every few hours to ask when we can talk at length and discuss what we did all day and ate for our meals. How did we convince ourselves if only for that moment that was 'it', that I was 'the one' for you? How old are you and I? 21? How much do we know about tomorrow? Sure, there's the whole option of taking the plunge and letting fate decide. But don't people also say, prevention is better than cure? What happens if I fall in love with you and you die before I do, which may be the case. What if one of us falls out of love but just out of obligation, we stick around but grow sick of each other's company? If we end up getting married, what if we have kids and eventually, decide to get a divorce? There are too many questions that could have been asked or had to be answered without being asked. I'm so glad it's over and that they will remain just that - questions left unanswered.

Day 261/366

What does it even mean to say you have made a change in the world, to have left a mark? Does it require a certain number of people to have appreciated or acknowledged what you are doing/did? Does it mean that a smoker cutting down from a pack a day to say, 5 is a big jump? I'm sure it is. But there's no scale to mark the change on except the numerical difference and the lung capacity or whatever the measure may be.

If I were to do something good for the world and plant a tree, would it matter? When I plant that one sapling and give it water, am I not depriving another living being of the nutrients possessed in it? Are there not more trees getting chopped off than the one I planted is capable of saving?

Who are we trying to make a difference for anyway? When we die, which we all do/will at some point, won't we decompose way the same as say, Gandhi did? He seems to have made a change. But there is no one person who can declare whether the change was good or bad for humanity as a whole. Or is there someone like that? Someone who usurped power so that he/she could shape public opinion, the world's opinion? Why is there even a demarcation between public and private, government organizations and NGOs? The landscape of this earth has been changing for time immemorial. Since we humans conceived the notion of society, we have been raping mother nature to suit our needs, to meet our whims and fancies. Given that, how do we know anything was not what it is in this very moment. Where did we perceive the notion of change? Does change even exist?

Day 230/366

What are we all looking for? Or in other words, what is that one thing that binds humanity together? I used to think it is the mere fact that we are alive, that the combination of elements on this planet has granted us the ability to breathe air and survive day in day out. It seemed cause enough to celebrate! But that was before I grew up and read about suicides, nuclear warfare and people who are depressed enough to hurt themselves to feel alive. That’s bullshit. But then, who am I to say anything?

After that or somewhere in between, I was gullible enough to believe that humanity was given its existence because of the innate need to communicate with somebody or some form other than one’s own self. This was when I was told about sex being the union of a male and female to give birth to an offspring. I was proved wrong again. Written word, sign languages, body language, Braille would never be universal, even if it is so in its use. I remember studying about the ‘willing suspension of disbelief’ that one should hold on to while absorbing any art form - be it writing, film, theatre or any other visual art. I thought that such a concept could unite us. Apparently, it does not.  

There are loners out there who actually strive to maintain their state of being alone, regardless of whether or not they are content with that. They feel detached enough to not want any sense of belonging or commitment to family, friends or lovers. But those lost souls are more often than not drawn back by their individual conscience. A conscience. That seemed to be the last ray of hope in my meaningless pursuit. Every human, deep down inside has a conscience. There is a collective conscience that binds humanity was a plausible theory. One could not enjoy the idea of bloodshed, I would think. It’s funny now to think just how wrong I was.

Day 227/366

Would you like her to be silent?
Do you like her very loud?
Does size really matter?
What's your budget going to be like?
Fair or dark?
Fat or thin?
Will you use her fully?
Or take her for a spin?
Should she have a name?
Would you even care?
Would you like some wine?
Can this torture end?
Should she answer questions?
Should she ask you things?
What position do you like?
Can she kill herself?

Day 225/366

Where do you draw the line between reality and a perceived reality because of one's belief systems? When does it become fine for an individual to change their faith in something they have been taught by their elders? Is it necessarily a lack of respect and rebellion or does an act justify itself as you grow older and are able to think for yourself, without external influences to shape your mind. As a great philosopher once said, let understanding be the law. Would that really be such a bad move?

Day 207/366

When one door closes, another one's supposed to open, right? What if you didn't reopen a door you've already visited even though the key is in your hand? What if the door you thought would remain open is slammed straight in your face? Knocking won't help. You just continue to walk into the abyss hoping for a door to miraculously appear in the middle of nowhere and take you home.

Day 162/366

For almost two years now, I've had this scary thing happening to me - I've been seeing sparks all around me. Seemingly insignificant interactions with members of the opposite sex made me often feel like there was something there. And sometimes, there was. I was the hero of every story. I was living my life the way I thought I wanted to. There was nothing holding me back from feeling and expressing however little or much I wanted to and in whatever way I felt appropriate. For once, it was about what I wanted and not what someone else wanted me to be.

It might have been the fact that it was college. Or perhaps, I had just realized that being single was easier and less emotionally consuming than being in a relationship where I had to change my life around to accommodate someone into it. It's been a while since I've had to do that. And at the rate I'm going, it's going to be a while till I have to.

I hate love. And because I've got close enough glimpses of it all around me, it scares me. While I'm not busy hating and fearing the idea of falling in love (don't worry, it's just rare occasions like tonight when someone triggers off this thought process), I'm a really happy person. And this is not something that I have to convince myself to believe. When it comes to the idea of relationships, there's a lot of convincing needed. I've seen some people who were just naturally born to be in relationships. They know how to be good girlfriends/boyfriends and they believe that the person they are with is the one that they're destined to be with. Some have been wrong; some haven't. When you see a phenomenon occurring on such a large scale all around you, you're allowed to think that it'll hit you one day too. Sadly/luckily, I've been clean so far.

I've come to discover that I'm a person who needs only my family and a few friends in my life to keep me sane. I'm happier alone than in the company of people. There was a time when I would befriend a stranger and tell him/her about my entire life story. I was too trusting and naive and over time, I suffered the consequences of this. I also found some amazing friends in strangers thanks to this nature of mine. But I never managed to find a lover.

Sometimes, I want to know what all the fuss is about. On others, I don't. My only question is that if my feelings on the notion of feeling this particular emotion are so volatile and transient in nature, how can the emotion itself not have the same qualities? 

Day 28/366

When Harry met Sally,
Did he get down on one knee?
Or did he throw a big tantrum,
And create a scene?

When the world was created,
Was the egg introduced first?
Or was it in fact the chicken
That emerged with the burst?

When one universe closes,
Does another one open?
Are we all surreal entities,
Floating around with no purpose?

Are you as curious as I am
To discover the answers?
Or do you prefer feigning ignorance
And just believe in words of others?