Day 183/366

I held her hand as tightly as I could. I knew it was hurting her slightly when I saw her face but I couldn't get myself to let go. She was the best person I had ever met in life. And luckily for me, she'd also been the same person who had brought me into this world.

I hate airports. And I hate partings. Put the two together and you have a girl who you used to cry often enough to get her the name 'crybaby'. One fine day, that girl woke up and discovered that she had cried too much in life and that the tears just wouldn't flow anymore. As she rejoiced, no tears of happiness streamed down her cheeks. She was quite pleased with this little development in her previously unnecessarily tear-filled life.

A few months later, she was writing a long email to her mother. She was homesick. missed playing Ma's favorite song for her to fall asleep to. She sat listening closely to the harmonies take her into a dreamlike world where she was back in her own home hugging the lady she was thinking so fondly of. Almost as if out of thin air, sobs spaced by sniffles filled the still air in the room.

That night, she cried herself to sleep with a smile spread across her face.

Day 162/366

For almost two years now, I've had this scary thing happening to me - I've been seeing sparks all around me. Seemingly insignificant interactions with members of the opposite sex made me often feel like there was something there. And sometimes, there was. I was the hero of every story. I was living my life the way I thought I wanted to. There was nothing holding me back from feeling and expressing however little or much I wanted to and in whatever way I felt appropriate. For once, it was about what I wanted and not what someone else wanted me to be.

It might have been the fact that it was college. Or perhaps, I had just realized that being single was easier and less emotionally consuming than being in a relationship where I had to change my life around to accommodate someone into it. It's been a while since I've had to do that. And at the rate I'm going, it's going to be a while till I have to.

I hate love. And because I've got close enough glimpses of it all around me, it scares me. While I'm not busy hating and fearing the idea of falling in love (don't worry, it's just rare occasions like tonight when someone triggers off this thought process), I'm a really happy person. And this is not something that I have to convince myself to believe. When it comes to the idea of relationships, there's a lot of convincing needed. I've seen some people who were just naturally born to be in relationships. They know how to be good girlfriends/boyfriends and they believe that the person they are with is the one that they're destined to be with. Some have been wrong; some haven't. When you see a phenomenon occurring on such a large scale all around you, you're allowed to think that it'll hit you one day too. Sadly/luckily, I've been clean so far.

I've come to discover that I'm a person who needs only my family and a few friends in my life to keep me sane. I'm happier alone than in the company of people. There was a time when I would befriend a stranger and tell him/her about my entire life story. I was too trusting and naive and over time, I suffered the consequences of this. I also found some amazing friends in strangers thanks to this nature of mine. But I never managed to find a lover.

Sometimes, I want to know what all the fuss is about. On others, I don't. My only question is that if my feelings on the notion of feeling this particular emotion are so volatile and transient in nature, how can the emotion itself not have the same qualities?