Sunday, June 10, 2012

Day 162/366

For almost two years now, I've had this scary thing happening to me - I've been seeing sparks all around me. Seemingly insignificant interactions with members of the opposite sex made me often feel like there was something there. And sometimes, there was. I was the hero of every story. I was living my life the way I thought I wanted to. There was nothing holding me back from feeling and expressing however little or much I wanted to and in whatever way I felt appropriate. For once, it was about what I wanted and not what someone else wanted me to be.

It might have been the fact that it was college. Or perhaps, I had just realized that being single was easier and less emotionally consuming than being in a relationship where I had to change my life around to accommodate someone into it. It's been a while since I've had to do that. And at the rate I'm going, it's going to be a while till I have to.

I hate love. And because I've got close enough glimpses of it all around me, it scares me. While I'm not busy hating and fearing the idea of falling in love (don't worry, it's just rare occasions like tonight when someone triggers off this thought process), I'm a really happy person. And this is not something that I have to convince myself to believe. When it comes to the idea of relationships, there's a lot of convincing needed. I've seen some people who were just naturally born to be in relationships. They know how to be good girlfriends/boyfriends and they believe that the person they are with is the one that they're destined to be with. Some have been wrong; some haven't. When you see a phenomenon occurring on such a large scale all around you, you're allowed to think that it'll hit you one day too. Sadly/luckily, I've been clean so far.

I've come to discover that I'm a person who needs only my family and a few friends in my life to keep me sane. I'm happier alone than in the company of people. There was a time when I would befriend a stranger and tell him/her about my entire life story. I was too trusting and naive and over time, I suffered the consequences of this. I also found some amazing friends in strangers thanks to this nature of mine. But I never managed to find a lover.

Sometimes, I want to know what all the fuss is about. On others, I don't. My only question is that if my feelings on the notion of feeling this particular emotion are so volatile and transient in nature, how can the emotion itself not have the same qualities? 

4 comments:

  1. This is a great topic that you've touched. This is one pop culture that's turning morbid.

    As a reader, I could connect with this. As an idealist, I could probably state more explanations to myself.

    I'm not much of a regular writer myself, but allow me to say that this is some good work.

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  2. The volatility and transience make it that much harder, that much more worth it. Yet we are free to embrace or ignore it.

    Reading your piece reflected so many of my own beliefs. the family, I do not care for, the solitary is calm. But needs the light to truly be powerful, just as the light needs the dark.
    You're a powerful writer and a kind soul, remember and attempt. We can never regret what we try

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  3. A solitary mind has higher emotional barrier . You are happier but your emotions are less exposed to the world too.If you volunteer in a relationship you may be less happy but you will be more satisfied. All forms of emotion is volatile and what is left is responsibility and care and that's what really establishes a relationship.some people find it hard to commit. Love is not a mere emotion.

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  4. Recluseness, is not my thing !
    Family and a bunch of good friends is my idea of fun :)
    Fortunately, never been into complicated relationships, well didn't need 'em at the first place.. Friends compensated for everything... Loved life, it is beautiful..

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