Day 354/366

It can actually feel nice to sometimes not to talk to the person sitting opposite you, because you know that there are going to be more conversations in the future. There is always that strange curiosity to find out new things about him or her and discover hidden parts to them that were otherwise kept hidden for a reason or just hadn't surfaced with you yet.

It's comforting to meet a stranger everyday and watch them become less of a stranger with each meeting, each interaction bringing you closer to them and to yourself as a person around them. You get to watch yourself be absolutely tongue tied one day, while being an unshuttable chatterbox the next. There are walls built and broken in the span of moments, and you eventually lose track of time and minutes because you realise that it just doesn't matter. It probably should, but there is no rationale when it comes to how you feel and who you are around them.

The best and worse part of it is when you just drift off and smile inwardly because you can't think straight and they suddenly catch you doing that and you can't help but widen the grin without being able to comprehend and explain. You are dumbfounded, but they'll never quite understand fully what in the world your twisted head is concocting. Dandy, ain't it? :p

Day 334/366

I'll call this one 'Frozen Memories', simply because my hands are numb with the cold to type out these pangs of nostalgia that I'm feeling right now.

There are some people who are really easy to have in your life. But it's those few that you know are really hard to hold on to but worth every moment of that journey, that make working on relationships more fulfilling. 

With a particular gentleman that I keep in mind, I was too shy initially. I wanted to talk, and sometimes, I did. But there were other interesting facets of growing up that caught my fancy at the time, making us drift away; slowly at first; then quite steadily, much to my dislike. 

But he was always around, making it hard to omit his existence. And I didn't want to either, considering he had this cute little smile he'd wear on his face, making it hard to overlook or ignore him in the same room. Our eyes would meet often, and unspoken words were spoken. Time passed and we changed and grew up and started defining our likes and dislikes and one fine day, we were at a point where we thought we knew what we wanted in life. (Of course, the fact that we're 21/22 does not factor into this post).

As I said in the beginning, there are some people you keep in your life who are a real pain in the ass to keep in touch with. But this particular idiot was like my magnet. I would probably do anything to spend an hour with him, or perhaps, just a quick hug. He's a lucky guy, even without knowing it. It's a strange kind of honesty that he brings out in me. I dress up and feel like a girl without consciously trying; I become a good listener and am genuinely interesting in the stories he has to share; heck, I can't even stop smiling after I meet him, even if it's just for a fight. 

And it sucks to know that someone has that kind of power over you. After all, it's kind of like flattery for them that you wish were false. But despite the good/bad qualities he possesses, he can make you happy in a way that no one else can. And for that, I'd never let him go. Yes, there's a song dedication et all. I can't help it. You had me hugging it the whole way back home. : )

Day 162/366

For almost two years now, I've had this scary thing happening to me - I've been seeing sparks all around me. Seemingly insignificant interactions with members of the opposite sex made me often feel like there was something there. And sometimes, there was. I was the hero of every story. I was living my life the way I thought I wanted to. There was nothing holding me back from feeling and expressing however little or much I wanted to and in whatever way I felt appropriate. For once, it was about what I wanted and not what someone else wanted me to be.

It might have been the fact that it was college. Or perhaps, I had just realized that being single was easier and less emotionally consuming than being in a relationship where I had to change my life around to accommodate someone into it. It's been a while since I've had to do that. And at the rate I'm going, it's going to be a while till I have to.

I hate love. And because I've got close enough glimpses of it all around me, it scares me. While I'm not busy hating and fearing the idea of falling in love (don't worry, it's just rare occasions like tonight when someone triggers off this thought process), I'm a really happy person. And this is not something that I have to convince myself to believe. When it comes to the idea of relationships, there's a lot of convincing needed. I've seen some people who were just naturally born to be in relationships. They know how to be good girlfriends/boyfriends and they believe that the person they are with is the one that they're destined to be with. Some have been wrong; some haven't. When you see a phenomenon occurring on such a large scale all around you, you're allowed to think that it'll hit you one day too. Sadly/luckily, I've been clean so far.

I've come to discover that I'm a person who needs only my family and a few friends in my life to keep me sane. I'm happier alone than in the company of people. There was a time when I would befriend a stranger and tell him/her about my entire life story. I was too trusting and naive and over time, I suffered the consequences of this. I also found some amazing friends in strangers thanks to this nature of mine. But I never managed to find a lover.

Sometimes, I want to know what all the fuss is about. On others, I don't. My only question is that if my feelings on the notion of feeling this particular emotion are so volatile and transient in nature, how can the emotion itself not have the same qualities? 

Day 75/366

Swings. They have always been one of my happiest memories of growing up. And the special thing about them is that knowing that they still exist keeps me rooted to my childhood that I still can't let go of it. Nor do I want to, to be honest. I'm turning 21 in 2 weeks. I think I'm ready to start making a career for myself and I will be mature and professional when the need arises. But that kid in me will still always grin from ear to ear when I see a swing. 

It's as close as you could get to flying after you're sensible enough to look up at the sky, see birds flying around and knowing that you were not granted with the power of flight for some odd reason. The Creator works in such mysterious ways, I tell you! That fascination is given a life to while swinging. I normally sing to myself when I'm on a swing and in my head, I'm the best singer there is around. I'm smiling even as I write this post because even if my huge ass didn't fit on a swing, I'll still have the time of my life on those tiny swings that is not meant for kids/people my age. 

I feel like giving advice to whoever has made it till the end of the post. Go find a swing nearby. Feel the motion and the rush and the air in your face. Everything will just seem all right.