Monday, June 18, 2012

Day 169/366

I was once a warm, mature and kind person, he told me. I remembered her faintly. She was not as fiercely independent as the person in front of me. But something in my eyes convinced me that she's not altogether gone. Somewhere, I knew that she made me feel happy and alive. And that's not something I'll be ready to let go of the idea of. I break the mirror.

I cannot comprehend another relationship because I just don't want to go through the ordeal of believing in something that is so brittle and ready to fall apart any second. Even if there is a part of me which wants to know whether you're happy or not these days, there is another that pulls me back. It would be too much of a bother to allow someone into my busy life (again!) and give him the space and time he demands. Besides, I'm no Agony Aunt who wants to deal with his emotional baggage.  

Your way to apologize is to tell me that you don't like yourself anymore; that you're slowly but steadily changing. I assure you that there's no need for an apology. One person is supposed to end up feeling more powerful than the other when a relationship of any sort ends. And the end was inevitable for us, wasn't it?

I've made myself strong and I've created a really strong wall around myself. I need to protect myself against people. I've purposely left gaps in that wall to allow mistakes I want to make and space for me to breathe. It's enough for now. I know better than to rush into something based on impulse and thrive on the short term benefits than a long term commitment. Thank you for unpaid for lessons in life.

My present attitude is not a reaction to you or others in my life who have hurt or disappointed. I have outgrown you all. I want to wait for something more honest, more genuine. A friendship that I'm yet to discover perhaps.

I've always been more giving than taking. It was something I picked up from Ma. For once, I want to be the one at the receiving end (but not in the conventional usage of the phrase). That is not to say that I regret the affection I gave you. I'm just, I suppose, happy that I knew when I had to end us.

I know I don't need anybody. And I've come to a point where I don't even need to remind myself of that. Phew!

Words stacked in piles likes unwritten books of all the thoughts that go around in my big head. Should I keep building it up? Should I push the whole stack down and watch the confusion take over?  

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